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Joke : Statistical one-liners

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A new government 10 year survey cost $3, 000, 000, 000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.

According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.

Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed? 80. of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.

According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate in surveys.

Q: What do you call a statistician on drugs?

A: A high flyer.

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 1-3, alpha = . 05.There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean.

They are just your standard normal deviates.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?

A: It's referred to as the log scale.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course?

A: He improved his confidence from . . 99.
Q: Why don't statisticians like to model new clothes?

A: Lack of fit.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?

A: He now has zero degrees of freedom.

Statisticians must stay away from children's toys because they regress so easily.

The only time a pie chart is appropriate is at a baker's convention.

Never show a bar chart at an AA meeting.

Old statisticians never die, they just undergo a transformation.

Q: How do you tell one bathroom full of statisticians from another?

A: Check the p-value.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who made a career change and became an surgeon specializing in ob/gyn?

A: His specialty was histerectograms.

The most important statistic for car manufacturers is autocorrelation.

Some statisticians don't drink because they are t-test totalers.

Others drink the hard stuff as evidenced by the proliferation of box-and-whiskey plots.

Underwater ship builders are concerned with sub-optimization.

The Lipton Company is big on statisticsespecially t-tests.

Stats/math jokes :

14 funny jokes found

- Debate about the box

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building materia...

- Story about infinity

A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels we...

- The math one-liners

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]. If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those li...

- The birthday study

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. S. d...

- Answering machine

Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probab...

- The results of statistics

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed 2. All polar bears are left-handed 3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was take...

- Worries while flying

Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine,...

- Risk of plane bombs

A mathematician and a non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic. ” Hey,...

- Misunderstood people

1. They speak only the Greek language. 2. They usually have long threatening names such as Bonferonni, Tchebycheff, Schatzoff, Hotelling, and Goda...

- Statistical one-liners

A new government 10 year survey cost $3, 000, 000, 000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population. According to recent s...

- Reducing travel risk

There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then...

- Purchasing the shoes

A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. “No problem,” says the mathematician, &ldqu...

- The fate of marriages

It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by ...

- Crocodile is longer

Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide. Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on th...

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