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Best funny Jokes Lawyer

Here are the best funny Lawyer jokes (109 jokes found):

- Consultation fees

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, “i...

- Question and answer jokes

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck! Q: If you are str anded on a desert island ...

- Actual stupid questions asked

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in hi...

- That's a real bargain

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. &...

- Excess billing hours

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thous ands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surpr...

- What type of tracks?

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The se...

- Solving a dispute

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!” The second squirrel ju...

- Lawyers take everything

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered...

- Lawyers give irrelevant information

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drif...

- The devil's offer

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, “ the devil said. “I'll increase your...

- The bronze statues

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-si...

- What and who am i?

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began ...

- There are no honest lawyers

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on ...

- Here's your fee schedule

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule. ” Alright, ” the lawyer says looking through his papers. “You owe me $...

- Unreasonable bill

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item: “Was walking down the street ...

- Replacing lab rats with lawyers

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally...

- You've changed my mind

Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?” Client: “After hearing your amazing argu...

- Some last minute requests

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied ...

- Get money to heaven

A sting y old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can? t take it with you. &rdq...

- Want to go into space?

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked ho...

- Brain transplant

” How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. ” My dear woman, ” Dar...

- Lawyer's personal injury

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and on to the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. &l...

- A love for material goods

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, “I love my BMW, I love my BMW. ” Focusing on his car, not his drivi...

- I just managed to settle an account!

A young attorney who had taken over his father? s practice rushed home elated one night. ” Dad, listen, ” he shouted, “I? ve finally...

- An honest lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-hous...

- Did you make a donation?

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This...

- Free haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God? s work.&rdquo...

- Can i take his place?

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed...

- Lawyers on a flight

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergen...

- Are you talking to me?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn't it true, ” he bellowed, “that you...

- How's business?

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night. “How? s business?” asked the first. ” Rotten, ” replied the other. ”...

- What is his occupation?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. ” Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your moth...

- What is the oldest profession?

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician sa...

- Trying to be impressive

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come thro...

- What's your wife's name?

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. “Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?&rd...

- Space photography

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronome...

- Free advice at social affairs?

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor ...

- I want to take money with me

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He...

- When you know you must really be drunk

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and order...

- I suppose i earned enough

An elderly and some what hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney? s office as his lawyer handed him his will. “Your estat...

- Lawyer's club

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy...

- What is two plus two?

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was inter...

- Were you ever arrested?

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: “Have you ever been arrested?” He answered no to the question. Th...

- Who owns the cows?

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk...

- Is there a way to thank you?

” How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. ” My dear woman, ” Dar...

- Leaving money for the dead

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three sai...

- I want to appeal a case

Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client? s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence. ” Judge: “And what is the nature of th...

- Arguing effectively

How to Argue Effectively I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know thi...

- From another planet

NO ZAMBODIANS, PLEASE: Judge Rules Out Prince Mongo's CostumeMEMPHIS, Tenn. - A judge has ruled that a defendant can't show up for trial wearing fur...

- Japan is in trouble

Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful e...

- What should they get?

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One...

- Ask your question

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that...

- Who handles cases?

Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory, Ellis and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm. ...

- Tell the whole truth

`You seem to be in some distress, ' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter? '`Well, your Honour, ' said the witness, `I swore t...

- Get away with murder

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes: George: “I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years” Herman: “Hmm. I killed a man, and...

- Seashore with family

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. ” Darling, it was jus...

- Newest horror movie

Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear?” It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The qu...

- Short legal laughs

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything y...

- Give him an orange

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go a...

- Offer legal advice

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, “You ar...
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