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Best funny Jokes Animals

Here are the best funny Animals jokes (271 jokes found):

- Question and answer animal jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To show the armadillo that it was possible. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from...

- Purchasing a new bird

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching T...

- They're boasting about race records

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!” Anot...

- A frog calls a psychic

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his ...

- These chickens want books

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK. ' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three b...

- A guide to walking tigers

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To ...

- A snail buys a fast new car

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After...

- A very insulting parrot

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties,...

- A good chess player

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hard...

- Three very tough mice

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness. The first says, “I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful o...

- Steven wright on dogs

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. I had a dog o...

- Worries about mad cow disease

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty ...

- The story of the bats

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood.” “W...

- Never talk to the parrot

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an “after-hours” appointment and ...

- I'll use my seeing eye dog

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and ...

- You could feed them a lot faster

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. T...

- There was just a dog fight

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?”“Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing u...

- He is a very smart dog

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. I...

- A game of animal football

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T. V...

- A cat's dictionary

Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human bei...

- Two fools are about to go flying

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms. After...

- The amazing flying dog

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He ...

- The plumber has arrived

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o...

- The cat's chalkboard assignments

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks 1. [xxx] is not...

- The preacher buys a parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot. “Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher. ” Oh absolutely. It's a religio...

- A burglar is in big trouble

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes...

- An amazing talking dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, “I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk. ” Bartender: “Yeah! Sur...

- Baby bear wants to live somewhere else

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to dec...

- Instrument flying guide for animal lovers

Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommende...

- Two roaches having a discussion

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant. “I was in that new restaurant across the ...

- This is one smart dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. ” An' wot's thi...

- A dog's chalkboard assignments

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assi...

- I think that i'm a chicken

Psychiatrist: What's your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg! ...

- This dog is acting bad

While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs. A passerby commented to the blind man, &ldqu...

- Cat technical support problems

This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print ...

- Investigating a terrible accident

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The pol...

- Animals q & a

Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager. A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either. Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feat...

- Your cat has learned your internet password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy. ” 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you've been subscribed to str...

- Nine things dogs don't understand

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. 2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn't jump on your bed whe...

- Buy alligator shoes

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and a...

- Cow on train tracks

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. “What's going on?&rdq...

- Two angry neighbors

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one ...

- Ten signs that you're at a bad zoo

1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the footba...

- Sounds of the wild

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: “What does the cow say?” Child: “Moo!” Mother: &...

- Giving cats pills

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger a...

- The feline diet

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new M...

- Dogs and light bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! ...

- Horses at the race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to r...

- Installing a carpet

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of ...

- Vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the...

- Dog named sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot” . I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to m...

- Ant and elephant have romance

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. ” Shit!” says the ant. &rdquo...

- Difference between a cat and a dog...

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be...

- Rabbits chased by wolf

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other a...

- Horse

This horse walks in to a bar and asks for a bit to eat! ...

- Bear and a rabbit

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says “I will grant each of you three ...

- Do elephants ever forget?

Q: Does an elephant ever forget? A: Only if you loan him money. ...

- Elephants and cell-phones

Q: Why don't elephants use cellular phones? A: So the rest of the world won't know their plans. ...

- I'll have a penguin; shaken, not stirred

Q: Why do penguins live in the Arctic? A: Because they can't fly to Florida like the rest of the old birds. ...

- A blind man in a store

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager ...
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